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How Do I Handle a Spoiled Child? Q.
My neighbor has a 4 year old son who is very spoiled. She
often drops by to chat and also asks me to baby sit him from time to time. He feels he can do whatever he wants to do and
when he doesn’t get his way, he has violent tantrums. I’ve tried to talk to her but she is young and always caves
in when he starts acting out. How can I help her see that she needs to get control of his behavior now? A. Many parents need to curb their child’s behavior and have no idea how to. First what is a
spoiled child? According to the Wikipedia.org encyclopedia, a spoiled child is a child that has been spoiled by his or her
parents. There is no accepted scientific definition of what "spoiled" means, and professionals are often unwilling
to use the label because it is considered vague and derogatory. Psychologists may describe spoiled children as "overindulged",
"grandiose", "narcissistic" or "egocentric-regressed".
Nevertheless, spoiled child syndrome is recognized and accepted in the medical community. However, in the African-American
community, there is little tolerance of a child having tantrums at the age of 4 years old, especially in public. I remember
my mother would be more angry if we misbehaved in public than at home. Today many parents shy away from corporal punishment
because they are afraid that child protective services will be called. What we have not done in our community, is teach parents
other effective methods of discipline. What causes poor behavior? 1. Failure of parents to enforce consistent, age-appropriate
limits, 2. Parents shielding the child from normal everyday frustrations, 3. Provision of excessive material gifts,
even when the child has not behaved properly and 4. Improper role models provided by parents. Children who have mental health
illnesses and learning disabilities may also exhibit difficult behaviors. Where did we go wrong? Some parents find it hard to say ‘No’
but it’s harder today than previous generations. The www.Time.com website reports that advertising targets children
as never before, creating cravings that are hard to ignore but impossible to satisfy. These days $3 billion is spent annually
on advertising that is directed at kids — more than 20 times the amount a decade ago. Nearly half of all U.S. parents
say their kids ask for things by brand names by age 5 years. It’s hard to think of our children being teased because
of their clothes or shoes and peer pressure is even harder in low income areas. As tempting as it is, it is still our job
to set limits, expectations and consequences for our children. Better us than the penal system. What can parents do? Here
are some steps from the www.EHow.com website: Step 1 Give
clear instructions. It is important to be clear when giving instructions. Step 2 Keep
it short. Keep instructions short and simple. Step 3 Discuss the rules
together. Even let the child be involved in setting the limits. Give him a chance to openly discuss how he feels about them, and repeat his concern back to him, followed by a brief explanation as to why
the rule is important. Step 4 Enforce the rules. The most important part of setting limits is enforcing them. It has been advised by experts that having fewer
guidelines and holding firmly to them is much more effective than having so many rules
set that you cannot keep up with them.
It
used to be that a whole village raised a child but many young parents are alone and not prepared for the emotional toll raising
a child takes. Since she already trust you, you are in a good position to help her and him. Start by showing her this column.
Then help her map out a plan for good behavior with her son. If he does not display the desired behavior then he loses a privilege
like TV, video games, or favorite desert. It has to be something he really wants. You can also help her enforce the
rules. His behavior will spike before it gets better but if she hangs in there, it will get better.
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How Do We Prepare for an Adopted Child? Q. My husband and I are
adopting a three year old little girl. We are concerned about how to handle explaining adoption to her and very concerned
about how she will feel about being adopted. We have two biological children of our own as well and do not want her to feel
that she’s not part of the family. Do you have any suggestions? A. What a wonderful thing you and your husband are
doing. Being adopted into a loving family can provide much needed stability for a young child and even change the path of
their life. Children who grow up in orphanages or who jump from one home to another in the foster care system, suffer emotional
ails that last into adulthood. It’s important to know the challenges you may face. According to the experts at the
www.adoption.com website, the effects of adoption on children and parents
(both adoptive and birth) can be generally grouped into seven areas: 1. loss, 2. rejection, 3.
guilt and shame, 4. grief, 5. identity, 6.
intimacy, and 7. mastery/control. These are similar to the stages of grief after the loss of
a loved one. Although in the United States , only about 2% of children under the age of eighteen are adopted by people outside
their family, a large number of these children have been referred to at least some form of psychological treatment and/or
special education program. Instances of learning disabilities and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are especially
high among adopted children. While almost all children who grow up in an institutional environment experience at least some
form of developmental delays, these delays can be rectified through special attention and/or therapy. Experts tend to agree
that adopted children are at the greatest risk for developmental and psychological problems when they reach early adolescence,
because that is when they are first able to cognitively understand the meaning of adoption. Once children realize they have
been "given away", an overwhelming sense of rejection can overtake them and disable their ability to reason with
the situation. As an adopted child reaches the age of eleven or twelve, he sometimes begins to find the lack of information
about his birthparents crippling to his sense of identity. Adopted children who have not even neared this phase of their lives
yet are often labeled "at-risk", which is a child who, though currently having no visible problems in development,
is at risk of developing learning, emotional, behavioral or physical disabilities in the future. Babies exposed to drugs,
abuse, neglect, and those with genetic pre-dispositions to mental illness and physical disabilities are deemed "at-risk"
before the adoptive parents even come into the picture. When should you tell her? With all of the adoption difficulties plaguing
such a young mind, it is no wonder that an adopted child's developmental abilities are often stunted. A child may not be emotionally
or cognitively developed enough to handle so much turmoil, yet the longer a parent waits to tell a child the truth, the more
the child will feel betrayed. There
are of course, several different views as to when a child should be told he is adopted. Many experts believe the child should
be told at the youngest possible age because it gives the child an early opportunity to accept and integrate the concept.
The other side of the coin is that if you tell a child at too young an age that he is adopted, it may confuse him because
he is not ready to process the information in a cognitive sense. Experts who feel this way obviously believe a child should
not be told until he is older, such as 12 or 13. In either case, it is widely agreed upon that children should learn of their
adoption from the adoptive parents. An adopted child may need extra consideration and attention for a period of time. They
often have trust issues. Involve your other children in the planning stages of the arrival of their new sister. Listen to
their concerns and questions. This will keep them from feeling jealous and help the family blend well. She will naturally have questions about her adoption as she gets
older. Allow her to wonder and talk about her birth parents and reassure her that she’s loved. You may have to prepare
extended family members as well. For more information visit www.essortment.com, www.aacap.org, www.raisingchildren.net, and www.childrenshomeadopt.org. Some information gathered from these websites as well.
 
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