Questions and Answers

How Do I Handle a Spoiled Child?

Q. My neighbor has a 4 year old son who is very spoiled. She often drops by to chat and also asks me to baby sit him from time to time. He feels he can do whatever he wants to do and when he doesn’t get his way, he has violent tantrums. I’ve tried to talk to her but she is young and always caves in when he starts acting out. How can I help her see that she needs to get control of his behavior now?

A. Many parents need to curb their child’s behavior and have no idea how to. First what is a spoiled child? According to the Wikipedia.org encyclopedia, a spoiled child is a child that has been spoiled by his or her parents. There is no accepted scientific definition of what "spoiled" means, and professionals are often unwilling to use the label because it is considered vague and derogatory. Psychologists may describe spoiled children as "overindulged", "grandiose", "narcissistic" or "egocentric-regressed". Nevertheless, spoiled child syndrome is recognized and accepted in the medical community. However, in the African-American community, there is little tolerance of a child having tantrums at the age of 4 years old, especially in public. I remember my mother would be more angry if we misbehaved in public than at home. Today many parents shy away from corporal punishment because they are afraid that child protective services will be called. What we have not done in our community, is teach parents other effective methods of discipline. What causes poor behavior? 1. Failure of parents to enforce consistent, age-appropriate limits, 2. Parents shielding the child from normal everyday frustrations, 3. Provision of excessive material gifts, even when the child has not behaved properly and 4. Improper role models provided by parents. Children who have mental health illnesses and learning disabilities may also exhibit difficult behaviors.

Where did we go wrong? Some parents find it hard to say ‘No’ but it’s harder today than previous generations. The www.Time.com website reports that advertising targets children as never before, creating cravings that are hard to ignore but impossible to satisfy. These days $3 billion is spent annually on advertising that is directed at kids — more than 20 times the amount a decade ago. Nearly half of all U.S. parents say their kids ask for things by brand names by age 5 years. It’s hard to think of our children being teased because of their clothes or shoes and peer pressure is even harder in low income areas. As tempting as it is, it is still our job to set limits, expectations and consequences for our children. Better us than the penal system. What can parents do? Here are some steps from the www.EHow.com website:

Step 1 Give clear instructions. It is important to be clear when giving instructions.

Step 2 Keep it short. Keep instructions short and simple.

Step 3 Discuss the rules together. Even let the child be involved in setting the limits. Give him a chance to openly discuss how he feels about them, and repeat his concern back to him, followed by a brief explanation as to why the rule is important.

Step 4 Enforce the rules. The most important part of setting limits is enforcing them. It has been advised by experts that having fewer guidelines and holding firmly to them is much more effective than having so many rules set that you cannot keep up with them. It used to be that a whole village raised a child but many young parents are alone and not prepared for the emotional toll raising a child takes. Since she already trust you, you are in a good position to help her and him. Start by showing her this column. Then help her map out a plan for good behavior with her son. If he does not display the desired behavior then he loses a privilege like TV, video games, or favorite desert. It has to be something he really wants. You can also help her enforce the rules. His behavior will spike before it gets better but if she hangs in there, it will get better. 　